Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Joan of Snark and Typhoid Barrry

I fell in love w the word snark in the 8th grade . I had no idea what it meant . It was just a sound to me , and it sounded funny . Little did I know . One of my classmates , the hillarious Bernie Beach ( master of the pregnant pause at 13 )  , checked the Library and found The Voyage of the Snark . This turned out to be the true story of Jack London's boat , supposedly . I never got around to reading it , but would if I found a copy of it underfoot and bargain priced .
More on snarkiness in a moment .

ABC led w a mysterious virus on their Newscast last week . It is the Enterovirus affecting 11 contiguous states and 1000 kids . Highly contagious it will go Nationwide within days . A cough could kill you in some circumstances . PDUS has a theory about this unexpected outbreak involving it seems , children only . Notice the outbreak happened the same week that kids went back to school ? We believe that somehow a bunch of kids w a common Third World / Central American respiratory disease got 'mainstreamed '  passing their malady on to new friends previously unexposed to unexamined DACA aspirants . In other words ask DHS and CDC about this amazing coinkydink if you want , but PDUS blames Typhoid Barry . 

Massachusetts is now testing 800 patients recently exposed to Tuberculosis . We suspect the chirruns again that the President granted ' permissos ' w his DACA Amnesty . Erkel's best is the worst he can do because he loves America like OJ loved Nicole .

I think it was MTVA who named John Roberts ' Joan of Aaarrrgggh ' . That pantywaist ruled Obamacare a legal tax when it DID NOT originate in the House , as is Constitutionally required . Some oversight .

Looks more like he overlooked the law . Thanks Joan .
Last week we added a new name to our collection when we stole
' Joan of Snark ' from NYDN .
 RIP Joan
Joan Rivers was of course the Queen of Snark . She was quoted on Carson claiming Breast enhancements were not a necessity for a feminine appearance . As proof she cited Liberace , ( who had his insurance cancelled after being ' rear ended ' too often ) .
 Joan was famous for her cutting snark . Mmmmh , Cutty Sark . She would turn a wicked one liner on a Dime or quicker than a Kasdashian could turn a uh trick-y situation into a sitcom . Joan would characterize that trick as a cunning stunt from a stunning ....oh , never mind . She woulda said it better .
PDUS will miss Joan for her guts . ' HAMAS started it ' , Everybody else would pussy foot about the war when Joan was a warrior and I hope , Honorary IDF . She got in trouble last month suggesting nose jobs for every Palestinian . She would send in all the finest Jewish Plastic Surgeons . For once , each Palestinian would be looking to stay the hell out of fights instead of picking them ( ..or picking their noses ) . We are reminded here you can of course pick your nose just as you can pick your friend's . I think it was G . Carlin who pointed out that you cannot pick your friend's noses . Just a little food for thought for the next time you find yourself mining for Nose Gold .

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Entitleist strikes out Golfing

PDUS was amused when Winged Foot , Trump National , and another quality NY Golf course declined the Obamanation over Labor Day weekend . He probably thinks the managers are racists .
Club memberships are ridiculously expensive at elite Golf Courses like that . I can't imagine the fees at Augusta , or that I could ever play the course . It is almost impossible to even get a spectator's pass there without a significant presence in the Social Register and an FBI background check .
That BTW was why the courses declined the ' Honor ' of the Presidential entourage descending upon their Country Club . Everyone there would be screened , every Golf Bag emptied as the course closed to the members while Obama visited .  This on the last day of Summer , the busiest day of the year .
We had some curiosity about what clubs the President carts around and found some photos suggesting he carries about 50 clubs which is about what Rodney Dangerfield had in his 1 Br Golf bag in Caddyshack . The legal limit is 14 clubs but who is counting besides PDUS .

He putts in the Oval Office , badly we hope , w the yips his voice inspires Nationwide .
Oh BTW we think he flew back to DC just to play Golf , and returned on AF1 the next day . Here he is an Official White House photo humiliating that Wuss Putin's for his fear of Homoeroticism .  The  Presscorpse was not allowed in but Obama's official Photographer and Videographer was able to share his images .

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Tell me again - Who did what to whom

 I will be armed tomorrow w a Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum . Packs a hell of a kick tearing the skin on my hand and that's from the friendly side of the gun . Highly praised in the DPS  for its ' stopping power . Please refrain from any aluah-ahbarring in my vicinity as I will presume ( as would almost every American ) that attacks upon infidelity are about to commence . Again . Maybe on 9-10 that would be survivable  . Not on 9-11 . Some of us remember just who did what to whom on that day , and remain touchy about it . Your muslim yodel sounds like ' Let's Roll ' to me and I bet to other patriots in the vicinity . Several hundred jumped from the horror of the twin towers . They need avenging . Don't tempt fate .
JF Kerry expounded upon the ' innocence of muslims ' again today . I expect the same from the President who will announce his whipped up ISIS strategy tonight . PDUS will not be following the festivities which are expected to include a pitch for a Minimum Wage hike and a bitch slap at Republicans for opposing ' comprehensive immigration reform ' . He will also claim that the crisis on the border is over . Don't you believe it . DACA is a Magnet forevermore . Every child will be welcomed . Call me curmudgeon but I would rather they all went home .
Kerry has taken his guitar to the Mid East in search of muslim allies for the new GWOT against the ISIS Little Leaguers  .  Maybe they can jam singing  coombyallah together . I think this time Erkel doubles down w the muslim brothers in a make or break rejection of ISIS terror . The Turks will join since they hate the Kurds who already fight , and Saudi Arabia will write a nice check but do little else . Meanwhile we will be funding Iraqi Hezzbollah to fight ISIS even tho only they are on our Terror list . We will be sucking up to the ' good muslims ' at CAIR who will publicly condemn gruesome be-headings while they encourage Dawa funding for more of them .  Our allies are worse than our enemies and they all seem the same person . Well  I'm never forgetting , or forgiving either .

Pictures beat my thousand words so I will finish w these . We recommend Blood Pressure medication as a chaser .  It is considered racist ( religionist ? ) to say so , but I learned everything I need to know about islam on 9-11 . I don't want them to be my friend . I don't care about their customs , or their Ninja fashions . I  know them as a dangerous enemy and for the rest of my life I will watch them like a hawk . They earned the extra scrutiny .

Sunday, September 7, 2014

PDUS becomes Fashion Magazine FOR DOGS

We had a Branch Manager drop in the other day wanting us to throw one of them . Waldo was one of those , and an abuser of backyard sticks . His jaws could reduce them to toothpicks by the third toss . . I would buy soup bones for him and a hip bone might last him an hour , but no more .  It was his fetch tho that was his specialty  .  If I told him it was the ' wrong stick ' he would go track down the right one . He brought back an uprooted 15' sapling once , and another time a log from the pond . Perhaps it was a fence post , but it was creosoted like a telephone pole and had to weigh 60 , maybe 70 pounds . The stick I had thrown was considerably smaller , but this was the only one he could find . I forgave him and admired his aim to please , and his effort .

Ok , on w the Postage which is more of a photo essay and  almost all Dogs .  I knew you would forgive me as you would them . Suzy forgave her Puppytraitors who broke her leg .Wouldn't you forgive this sinner ?
There has been a wild Costume Party underway next door FOTS ( since Winter ) and the curiosity has almost killed the cat and dog too .

 The Christmas Seal attended
 and his ' friend '..............
Our PDUS photographer loved this costume.......
and this one.......

and this Woofie 

 Actual persons have been terrified by these pups

 and the Kerrys
 Secretariat and Mrs.................
Some of the hairstyles were really clever 

Even I got into the spirit .....
and Them Bitches

Friday, September 5, 2014

(D) Lightning Strikes (D) terminated speech righter and Stonehenger

Wales watching
The President took some well deserved vacation time today to visit a Religious Shrine , Stonehenge . Stoners everywhere hope to make the Pilgrimage before they die , and Obama had this on his bucket list . It's much like muslims on the haj , or Catholics seeing Il Pupa at the Vatican .

Perhaps reformed Druids get that same thrill from Stonehenge . Erkel's religious inclinations are otherwise ( recall his ring inscription favoring Allah and no other ) , but I bet there are Druids and other Tree worshipers in his Drum Circle .
A Renaissance Festival Man  
You FOTS will be relieved to know that a strategy has been found for dealing w ISIS . First of course State had to see just what ISIS is .We coulda told em . Just another of the hundred names for the Domino Teamsters of the um , ummah . Obama calls them ISIL because the
' Levant ' variation insults and delegitimatizes Israel . He wants them punished for punishing ' Palestine ' . Bibi annexed 1000 acres as a war spoil ( in the West Bank ! ) . Erkel correctly calls it collective punishment . It is certainly well deserved .
Much criticism was heard , ( even from Democrats ) when Obama admitted he had no strategy for ISIS . PDUS can now report that he got his Crisis Response Team together to uh , respond . They consist of course entirely of Speechwriters and we suspect they were struggling w writers block before opening the Dictionary to the letter ' D ' .
I am told that the President repeated 4 magic ' D ' words today , uh , repeatedly . Webster's Finest . Defeat . Degrade . Destroy . Dismantle . I give this speechwriter a D- , determined tho he was .  Was he looking to alliterate ? Was this a ' glove don't fit ' summation ? 
Rap lyrics ? What ?
Someone lost his poisonous hooded Cobra in LA  . Made the news when it frightened a few dogs . Who keeps hooded Cobras ? I found this above photo while researching Sunday's column . I dunno who this girl on the left is , but she is a dead ringer for my green eyed ex . I was thinking about her when this popped up reminding me both of that Cobra , and an incident from the Walder Years  . ( The ex gave me Waldo the , ahem , Wonder Puppy ) .
My best friend loves snakes . He has snake dreams , I never much cared for them . He decided to visit me one weekend when I was in college . I knew nothing of his plan . The GF and I had driven to Houston where I had 4 Wisdom Teeth pulled . Chiseled off my Jaw bone . I was in agony driving 6 hours home afterwards . Things got worse at my door on reading a note from my friend . " Sorry I missed you . I lost a lovely 3 foot black snake somewhere in your house . Please don't kill him . " I searched the house w an ax but never found it . Didn't sleep well for months .

It was like when we re-elected Erkel .